The Case For Saying No

It is often said that a child hears 'no' about 400 times a day.

This may represent the extreme end of the spectrum, and I would agree that it is way too much. We can change that by making the environment more child-friendly. Let's assume that this change will roughly cut the number of 'no' instances in half. What do we do about the rest?

Recently, there has been a movement advocating the transformation of a 'no' into a 'yes' by offering options to the child and framing it positively. In principle, this approach is correct and should be applied. Not everything is a matter of life and death. For instance, if your child wants to play with the water hose in the kitchen, you can say 'no,' or you can modify the parameters by offering something for them to pour from one cup into another.

This leads us to a few more 'no's. They should be meaningful and respect both parties. We can assume that children, upon discovering their personalities, will reply with 'no' to separate themselves from us and establish their individuality. In the infant phase, they couldn't; they had no choice but to rely on us and endure it. In their eyes, we are the giants with ultimate powers. Fast forward, they can move and talk, and they will definitely use that. Probably, this is also a way to mimic adult behavior; they have seen us practice it a lot.

But what makes this 'no' so important?

We, as parents, have parental authority over our child to guide them, keep them safe, and prepare them for the world. 'No' is the manifestation of frustration. It emerges when we desire something but can't attain it, a scenario familiar in our own grown-up lives. We must learn to either transform a 'no' into a 'yes' or accept it and move forward. The manifestation of denial occurs daily; for example, wanting to watch a movie on Netflix that isn't available or having to endure a long line at the supermarket when in a hurry. In such cases, someone, in this instance, the line, says 'no' to us; we are not the most important person there, and we must wait. As adults, we've been trained to handle such situations, developing the patience and logic to cope and move on, conquering frustration. It's essential to remember that we, too, started small, and that is where our children are..

This is the reasoning behind saying 'no.'

Dr. Becky Kennedy, in the Huberman podcast, argues that entitlement is the inability to deal with frustration. If we never experience denial in our upbringing, we may struggle to cope with it as adults. Returning to the example of the supermarket line, we may feel entitled to be first in line because our urgency seems more important than that of others waiting. However, encountering 'no' situations teaches us the valuable lesson of managing frustration, a skill crucial for navigating the complexities of adulthood.

A child who has never heard 'no' may come to believe that they can do anything, which is not true. A child needs to feel comfortable asking for help. Without granting this freedom, there is a risk of developing an invincible personality, believing that anything can be achieved solely by their will.

In wrapping up our exploration into the power and significance of the word 'no' in parenting, it becomes evident that the frequency and manner in which we employ this term can shape the very fabric of our children's development.